• KIRU

A Commitment Deferred

A response to a recent post on HappyMadSad | Written by KIRU



Not too long ago I read an article from my favorite blog on emotional discoveries, HappyMadSad. The topic of the writing was the feeling of overwhelm, and throughout it you get to see a glimpse of the ever-growing load of things where Abra finds herself tasked with the responsibility of being present and engaged on a consistent basis. What really inspired me about this post in particular, was that it sparked a thought in me that sometimes we fail to realise just how much we’ve taken on in our lives until we sit down and see it all at once. As Abra expressed her thoughts and her relationship with the feeling of overwhelm, I couldn’t help but to think about just how much I have going on in my own life, and -more importantly- the correlation it all has had with the way I’ve felt, worked, and written recently.



Overwhelm is a tricky thing. I honestly never speak much about it and I think part of that is due to the fact that I tend to think of overwhelm as being too closely associated to the feeling of stress (which is a feeling I actively refuse to engage), however, after reading this article, I gained somewhat of a new perspective on the reality of the feeling. Overwhelm is something that has happened and is bound to happen in each and every one of our lives, and how we choose to deal with it can be really helpful in our pursuit to build better relationships with ourselves as well as with others. As I read the article, Too Much On Your Plate? Let’s Talk About Overwhelm, I grew a deeper understanding of my own relationship with the feeling, and it prompted me further to actually use the article itself as a tool of practice for developing a healthier response to overwhelm in my life. Today, if you’re still reading, let’s talk about what I like to call ‘a commitment deferred’.



The last time I felt overwhelmed was yesterday tbh. I knew I was overwhelmed because this whole week has been jam-packed and I have had multiple overnight work sessions to catch up and complete projects, plus I missed a couple of events mid-week because they were entirely missing from my calendar. Similar to Abra, I have been on an unintended hiatus from personal blog writing for the last few months because there is simply so much else going on in my life. Here’s a snapshot of what’s going on as of this writing:

  • Launching a business (KIRUNIVERSE)

  • Working (self-employed)

  • Seeking new clients (rtc)

  • Creating new music (“boxes” drops this Friday everywhere)

  • Planning album release (more info soon!)

  • Actively seeking out a modelling contract

  • Passively seeking out a relationship

  • Executive Producer (Melange Movement)

  • Servant Leader (Trinity Harlem)

  • Staying connected with friends, family, colleagues and acquaintances

  • Reading for education

  • Reading for inspiration

  • Protecting my days from bullshit experiences

What separates my sister and I on our views at this point, is that I still believe I can do it 100% -and there’s still other stuff I can’t actually mention yet that I’ve got going on. My perspective (on which I think she would agree) is that we just have to come to a mutual understanding of what it means to give 100% in each of these areas. For example, sometimes you might have something planned with a loved one (an outing, a dinner, or even just a call) and by the time that event pops up you already feel spent. The best thing to do in this -or any- situation is to prioritise your health and wellness needs above your wants to be engaged in fun times or whatever. Only once you’ve given yourself your best will you be able to give the same to others.



When I am feeling overwhelmed, I’ve noticed a number of variations with my response. Sometimes, I redirect my focus to something more manageable in the moment, and other times I just go to sleep. Sometimes, I place all of my focus on the project at hand, neglecting food, water and exercise. Most often, usually with ongoing projects, and in combination with previously mentioned responses, I just leave the project entirely for a few hours… or days.


What I’m noticing as I write this article, is that every single bullet point above has seen me walk away with intent for a period of time within the last three years. In fact, it might help if I snapshot that real quick (This list is honestly for my own health. Feel free to read or skip as you please. Also, feel free to hmu with questions if any of this speaks to you):


Launching a business

  • Mentors have experienced radio silence as I awaited inspiration

Working

  • In 2018, I spent months in bed due to overwhelm in my body (sickness)

Seeking new clients

  • There were times when I wouldn’t pursue work because I was unsure of myself

Creating new music

  • Usually due to a creative block where I feel I need to either experience or remember more than I already have. I put down the pen for a bit and just watch.

Planning album release

  • Conflicting ideas within myself usually cause me to pause. There’s so much to write about, and so many ways to communicate an artistic vision. My aim is to deliver a clear thought that touches the heart of my experience, and carries the power to lift the listener from the pits of depression, deceit and death.

Actively seeking out a modelling contract

  • People told me no, and I later realised I was leaving out my personality when I walked into their doors. Never again.

Passively seeking out a relationship

  • This one speaks for itself

Executive Producer

  • I’ve missed outings and other events in response to overwhelm within the production, as well as in other areas of life

Servant Leader

  • Anyone who has served at their local church should know that it is a serious responsibility/sacrifice. I have had the honour of serving on the production team for quite some time now, and there have been times in the past where I had to decline service requests because of just how involved the role can be.

Staying connected with friends, family, colleagues and acquaintances

  • Sometimes we don’t get to speak because our energies are not a match

Reading for education

  • Books on design, courses in language, and everything in between. I have definitely taken breaks here when I felt overwhelmed by all that is happening in my life

Reading for inspiration

  • Sometimes I wonder if I am loading inspiration a little too fast. I think that along with my higher priority being placed in music would explain any extended pauses here.

Protecting my days from bullshit experiences

  • Remember when I wrote that article, I’m Not Happy And That’s OK? What wasn’t okay was that I had just spent at least a week before that Sunday wallowing in my own misery without connecting to support from someone else. The only time I’ve taken a break from this bullet point, was to entertain sadness. Wow. How sad is that?



One of my favourite things about Abra’s writing style for HappyMadSad is that she has a tendency to include definitions of whatever feeling is being discussed, representing an emotion both by common understanding (dictionary) as well as her own personal understanding (experience). The whole purpose of her writing brings you to a deeper understanding of the emotions we all face, and that knowledge really turns into power if you embrace the reading as an opportunity to learn and grow as a person. I learned that each of the commitments I mentioned above have seen me walk away at one time or another in my go-to response to overwhelm, but that I have never let the feeling of overwhelm cancel my pursuit of whatever it is I’ve set out to achieve. A commitment deferred is still a commitment, and just because it was delayed doesn’t mean it’s been abandoned or denied.


Peace, Love + Light. KI.