It’s actually really difficult to keep writing about this.
So I just had a birthday (woohoo, hooray for me, yeah!), and in some strange way it feels like this year has been the biggest year for birthday celebrations—I even posted about it on Instagram, which is not something I would normally do. Yet, even in the wake of all this celebration, I have found myself deeply depressed for yet another time.
Today it really kicked in in the evening, after plans to hangout with a friend at their place had to be cancelled. In a voice message, they confessed that they were too tired to host anyone at their place, but that we could still go and have a drink at a nearby bar. Now, I know these plans were made last minute. I called last night to ask if we could hangout at either one of our apartments and just enjoy Saturday night together. I usually don’t invite people to come to my apartment, because people rarely ever make the trip (gonna move soon, so hopefully that helps), however, as we move into colder days, the absolute last thing I want to do is go meet people in public places, and I really wanted to spend quality time with this friend. I think it was the suggestion of meeting in public that really triggered tonight’s episode though. It made me think of many unpleasant things.
For starters, it’s cold. I do not like the cold, and cold weather has never been kind to me. In fact, as soon as I’m done with my mission in New York, I am leaving. I’m not saying that I never want to go out in the cold weather days to share unique experiences this time of year, I’m just saying that I’d rather spend more time indoors with people who are close, in environments (like our homes) we can control. Additionally, we spend so much time meeting outdoors, at museums and galleries, and restaurants. I just want to have a movie night, watch cartoons, and play board games and card games. Why is that so difficult? Where are the people who enjoy this too? I’m dead serious. Where the fuck are these people?
In addition to the cold weather thing, we’re still dealing with the corny virus, and it’s imperative that everyone be making conscious decisions about their health and safety, and that of others. That said, I don’t believe I can survive winter 2021 without interpersonal connections and experiences. That said, I have decided to be extra careful about curating my tiny cluster of people to interact with in-person between now and Spring. So when tonight’s plans were inevitably cancelled, it set off these intense feelings and thoughts of what it would be like if I couldn’t see anybody all winter. My entire work week will be virtual, my whole family has been virtual, the collective is going virtual… I need something to be real and in person, and I need it now. The tiny cluster is a challenge because some people are moving away for a while, and some people just don’t share the same priority for in-home gatherings as me. Everyone keeps saying that they can’t wait until this is over. But I’m less concerned about when this will all be over, and more focused on who will be there with me to get through it. Currently it feels like no one, and that’s why I’m depressed.
I don’t have a person to call when I’m feeling this way just yet. Hopefully someday, but so far no. The only way for me to actually process my thoughts and feelings of depression is to write it down. It’s actually really difficult to keep writing about this. In my experience, people have a habit of listening (or reading) just a little bit, then giving completely useless and/or disconnected and intangible advice. Usually it’s because the people who want to give advice simply don’t understand what’s really going on, and the people I interact with the most seem to literally care the least about my emotional well-being. Anyway, that’s enough. I wrote down these thoughts to get them out of my head, because I don’t have the time to dwell on this any longer.